I've been having a very difficult week, and there are a couple reasons.
One, my boyfriend was being distant. I'm not talking about seeing each other. I'm just talking about the amount of time we haven't talked casually, or that I wasn't able to get a mere hug. It sucked even more when we met up with friends after an exam: I said "hey, I'm gonna go hangout with my friends now, okay?" to which he responded with "Okay, bye". I tried to hint that I missed him in the most obvious way possible by slipping my arm around his waist to pull in for a peck on the cheek or something, but he pushed me away instead.
It threw me off. I was extremely hurt because he wasn't really being affectionate or caring, and definitely not understanding. We hadn't seen each other for the week, and the one time we see each other, he had been distant. My friends said he was probably not into PDA, which may be true, but still. It hurts.
The second reason? I hadn't noticed until I looked at the calendar - a year today, or around this time, my ex had broken up with me. It was easily the worst day of my life, being thrown away like that. Even today, it hurts, but not as much.
I'm still learning to deal with that pain of not loss, but being thrown to the side like I no longer mattered. That it was a one-sided thing. Sometimes, I wonder whether he still thinks about me, whether he regrets the way things ended. But then - I stop and remind myself that I was a side bitch to him, and that will never change. No matter how badly I wish I were valued in his eyes, that's something I can't change.
This week, the depression has hit me harder than last month. I'm hoping it passes.
One, my boyfriend was being distant. I'm not talking about seeing each other. I'm just talking about the amount of time we haven't talked casually, or that I wasn't able to get a mere hug. It sucked even more when we met up with friends after an exam: I said "hey, I'm gonna go hangout with my friends now, okay?" to which he responded with "Okay, bye". I tried to hint that I missed him in the most obvious way possible by slipping my arm around his waist to pull in for a peck on the cheek or something, but he pushed me away instead.
It threw me off. I was extremely hurt because he wasn't really being affectionate or caring, and definitely not understanding. We hadn't seen each other for the week, and the one time we see each other, he had been distant. My friends said he was probably not into PDA, which may be true, but still. It hurts.
The second reason? I hadn't noticed until I looked at the calendar - a year today, or around this time, my ex had broken up with me. It was easily the worst day of my life, being thrown away like that. Even today, it hurts, but not as much.
I'm still learning to deal with that pain of not loss, but being thrown to the side like I no longer mattered. That it was a one-sided thing. Sometimes, I wonder whether he still thinks about me, whether he regrets the way things ended. But then - I stop and remind myself that I was a side bitch to him, and that will never change. No matter how badly I wish I were valued in his eyes, that's something I can't change.
This week, the depression has hit me harder than last month. I'm hoping it passes.