We all have habits - some good, some bad. You might bite your nails, play with your hair, or bite your lip. You might even have a habit of studying new material learned every single day. No matter what habit it is, it becomes part of your identity. Without a doubt, I think we can all agree that our tendencies to do odd things often highlight our differences.
I have a habit too - I push people away. But I do that all the time - not only when things get difficult in my life. During these 4 years of high school, I can definitely say I've pushed more people away this year than the previous 3 years. So you might be wondering - why would she push so many people away during the final year of high school? Why would you push people away anyways?
Here's why: first of all, it's important that we all understand there are various reasons for my actions. This year has been tough - academically and emotionally - and even now, I am struggling to maintain my grades and overall emotions. I am so bombarded with all these issues - family, school, relationship, friends - and constantly have to pull myself into the mindset that education always comes first. No matter what happens in my relationship or friendships, no matter how many people I lose this year, I have to achieve higher scores (or at least be consistent) in my courses. Grade 12 is the final year of high school, the final year that I'm stuck with these repulsive people in my school (well, majority are irritating and rude).
This year, I've lost two good friends (Cory and Amber) and a boyfriend. I definitely lost my mom, although I'd argue that our mother-daughter relationship was nonexistent from the beginning.
But in each of these relationships/friendships (except with my mom...), one element remains the same (and it's quite ironic too) - I reach out to these people during the most difficult/emotional times of my life, but then I shrivel up like a snail and eventually, push them away.
It's safe to say that Amber did the same thing with me, or maybe I'm just biased. But when she had those boyfriend troubles half a year ago, I was there for her. I supported her in any way I could and still, she pushed me away because she didn't agree with my advice. I gave her the truth and I think that scared her because I was supposed to model the ideal best friend that gives them a hug and tells them everything will be alright, even if it won't be. Right, as if I would do something that pathetic when the truth is lying right in front of her face!
With Cory, I pushed him away for (I think) a good reason. Although I miss spending my spares and lunches with him, singing to all our favorite songs, I didn't miss the uncomfortable environment we were in. I didn't like the way he tried to flirt with me and I was very discomforted with the way he touched me (arms around my shoulder, hand around my waist..). I had to distance myself totally and cut off ties with him before the whole "friendship" reached its climax. But yes, I got myself into that mess because I was too nice to speak up for myself.
With my ex, I pushed him away too. Before he broke up with me during the Easter weekend, something happened which I didn't tell you guys. It was a Saturday or Sunday night - I can't remember which - and I remember saying bye to him because I had to go to sleep. But I didn't sleep that night. Instead, I lay awake crying and feeling absolutely useless and hopeless. Everything hurt - my heart, my brain...my entire body was aching from the million things that were wrong with my life. It just seemed like nothing was right anymore, so I thought, "what's the point of living anymore?" Yes, I was suicidal (I still am everyday....) that night and it hurt so much, so I messaged him (my ex). He supported me the entire night, telling me that everything will be okay and that he loved me. I told him how crappy I was feeling that night, how I was crying my eyes out and struggling to catch my breath. I told him how I wanted to kill myself (it's not the first time this has happened) and he constantly told me that dying isn't the solution. And for the first few minutes, I thought, "I can do this. I can live for him, for us." But then my mind did a 180 turn and I thought, "No I can't do this for him, not for anybody. I can't stay alive for anyone when everything hurts so much." So when I told him that, he wasn't loving towards me or even desperate that I stay. No, he was different. He was cold and bitter and fed up with me. He was tired of having to convince me that I'm worth it, that my life is something special to him. So he gave up and told me that this was my choice, but that I should also understand how my actions have consequences and of course, how it can affect the ones that love me. I said okay and then it was the end of the conversation. I went to sleep and then the next day, he was busy with family gatherings.
Since I'm writing this now, you obviously know that I'm alive. In the end, I chose to stay. For him, not myself. But that wasn't enough. It was scary for him, hearing me constantly say "I'm want to kill myself. I could go downstairs and grab a knife from the kitchen and I could do it, I could kill myself and then this pain will be over". He had to keep himself sane and at the least, sound calm while helping me during this difficult time, even though he was truly hurt and scared. He wasn't beside me in bed, he wasn't holding on to me. He wasn't physically there to tell me he loves me. He couldn't be there to tell me that suicide is not the answer, that I should cherish the life I have now, that the reality is everyone has a tough life and we have to deal with it. He wasn't there - he couldn't be there - and not one second did I think about how he felt as my boyfriend. I didn't stop to think about him, how this was so scary for him because at any moment, he could lose me to death. Or rather, the darkness inside of me.
I know now that it's not easy to help someone who is suicidal - they often get affected with the emotions and they, too, feel helpless. And that night, I made him feel helpless and useless and worst of all, he felt like he wasn't worth it to me. Nobody in a relationship should ever feel like that - we should feel loved and thankful for meeting one another because we created such a beautiful relationship. I regret not, not for telling him that I was suicidal, but for being selfish and forgetting that he is worth it to me.
But I'm selfish like that. I don't live for people, I have to live for myself. And as I look back at our relationship now, I've always said bad things about myself - my breasts are too small, I have too much acne, I'm too short. But he has always been my "person" (yes, this is a Grey's Anatomy reference for all the fans out there!). He's held my hand and walked me through all the difficult times in my life. He's held me in his arms and told me everything will be okay, even if he was scared that he'd lose me.
Every single part of me wishes he knew that I loved him, that he was worth fighting for, and living for. He was worth it to me. Hell, to this day, he is still worth it to me. Every second of our relationship - the good and the bad - was worth it. I just wish I had told him sooner. And although he knows the things I say now are true, it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change how he felt that night, it doesn't change who we are today and it certainly doesn't change what we are now - people who can't be together because we're broken to the point that we need to mend ourselves first.
Of course, I have regrets. There are so many, I can't even count.
I regret not showing him how much I loved him. If I had a second chance, I'd take it in a heartbeat and show him how much I love him and that he has always been worth it to me.
Because the love that I have for him has never disappeared. It's only grown into something more each day. And like I said in my other posts: I thought this feeling of love would disappear and faint on the edges like an old picture, but it never has.
As for my mom.... Well I've always had a broken relationship with her since I was a child. She's always hated my very existence and I've always hated her - I guess we're even like that. There's no saving this relationship anymore because it died so long ago. There's no point trying anymore.
I have a habit too - I push people away. But I do that all the time - not only when things get difficult in my life. During these 4 years of high school, I can definitely say I've pushed more people away this year than the previous 3 years. So you might be wondering - why would she push so many people away during the final year of high school? Why would you push people away anyways?
Here's why: first of all, it's important that we all understand there are various reasons for my actions. This year has been tough - academically and emotionally - and even now, I am struggling to maintain my grades and overall emotions. I am so bombarded with all these issues - family, school, relationship, friends - and constantly have to pull myself into the mindset that education always comes first. No matter what happens in my relationship or friendships, no matter how many people I lose this year, I have to achieve higher scores (or at least be consistent) in my courses. Grade 12 is the final year of high school, the final year that I'm stuck with these repulsive people in my school (well, majority are irritating and rude).
This year, I've lost two good friends (Cory and Amber) and a boyfriend. I definitely lost my mom, although I'd argue that our mother-daughter relationship was nonexistent from the beginning.
But in each of these relationships/friendships (except with my mom...), one element remains the same (and it's quite ironic too) - I reach out to these people during the most difficult/emotional times of my life, but then I shrivel up like a snail and eventually, push them away.
It's safe to say that Amber did the same thing with me, or maybe I'm just biased. But when she had those boyfriend troubles half a year ago, I was there for her. I supported her in any way I could and still, she pushed me away because she didn't agree with my advice. I gave her the truth and I think that scared her because I was supposed to model the ideal best friend that gives them a hug and tells them everything will be alright, even if it won't be. Right, as if I would do something that pathetic when the truth is lying right in front of her face!
With Cory, I pushed him away for (I think) a good reason. Although I miss spending my spares and lunches with him, singing to all our favorite songs, I didn't miss the uncomfortable environment we were in. I didn't like the way he tried to flirt with me and I was very discomforted with the way he touched me (arms around my shoulder, hand around my waist..). I had to distance myself totally and cut off ties with him before the whole "friendship" reached its climax. But yes, I got myself into that mess because I was too nice to speak up for myself.
With my ex, I pushed him away too. Before he broke up with me during the Easter weekend, something happened which I didn't tell you guys. It was a Saturday or Sunday night - I can't remember which - and I remember saying bye to him because I had to go to sleep. But I didn't sleep that night. Instead, I lay awake crying and feeling absolutely useless and hopeless. Everything hurt - my heart, my brain...my entire body was aching from the million things that were wrong with my life. It just seemed like nothing was right anymore, so I thought, "what's the point of living anymore?" Yes, I was suicidal (I still am everyday....) that night and it hurt so much, so I messaged him (my ex). He supported me the entire night, telling me that everything will be okay and that he loved me. I told him how crappy I was feeling that night, how I was crying my eyes out and struggling to catch my breath. I told him how I wanted to kill myself (it's not the first time this has happened) and he constantly told me that dying isn't the solution. And for the first few minutes, I thought, "I can do this. I can live for him, for us." But then my mind did a 180 turn and I thought, "No I can't do this for him, not for anybody. I can't stay alive for anyone when everything hurts so much." So when I told him that, he wasn't loving towards me or even desperate that I stay. No, he was different. He was cold and bitter and fed up with me. He was tired of having to convince me that I'm worth it, that my life is something special to him. So he gave up and told me that this was my choice, but that I should also understand how my actions have consequences and of course, how it can affect the ones that love me. I said okay and then it was the end of the conversation. I went to sleep and then the next day, he was busy with family gatherings.
Since I'm writing this now, you obviously know that I'm alive. In the end, I chose to stay. For him, not myself. But that wasn't enough. It was scary for him, hearing me constantly say "I'm want to kill myself. I could go downstairs and grab a knife from the kitchen and I could do it, I could kill myself and then this pain will be over". He had to keep himself sane and at the least, sound calm while helping me during this difficult time, even though he was truly hurt and scared. He wasn't beside me in bed, he wasn't holding on to me. He wasn't physically there to tell me he loves me. He couldn't be there to tell me that suicide is not the answer, that I should cherish the life I have now, that the reality is everyone has a tough life and we have to deal with it. He wasn't there - he couldn't be there - and not one second did I think about how he felt as my boyfriend. I didn't stop to think about him, how this was so scary for him because at any moment, he could lose me to death. Or rather, the darkness inside of me.
I know now that it's not easy to help someone who is suicidal - they often get affected with the emotions and they, too, feel helpless. And that night, I made him feel helpless and useless and worst of all, he felt like he wasn't worth it to me. Nobody in a relationship should ever feel like that - we should feel loved and thankful for meeting one another because we created such a beautiful relationship. I regret not, not for telling him that I was suicidal, but for being selfish and forgetting that he is worth it to me.
But I'm selfish like that. I don't live for people, I have to live for myself. And as I look back at our relationship now, I've always said bad things about myself - my breasts are too small, I have too much acne, I'm too short. But he has always been my "person" (yes, this is a Grey's Anatomy reference for all the fans out there!). He's held my hand and walked me through all the difficult times in my life. He's held me in his arms and told me everything will be okay, even if he was scared that he'd lose me.
Every single part of me wishes he knew that I loved him, that he was worth fighting for, and living for. He was worth it to me. Hell, to this day, he is still worth it to me. Every second of our relationship - the good and the bad - was worth it. I just wish I had told him sooner. And although he knows the things I say now are true, it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change how he felt that night, it doesn't change who we are today and it certainly doesn't change what we are now - people who can't be together because we're broken to the point that we need to mend ourselves first.
Of course, I have regrets. There are so many, I can't even count.
I regret not showing him how much I loved him. If I had a second chance, I'd take it in a heartbeat and show him how much I love him and that he has always been worth it to me.
Because the love that I have for him has never disappeared. It's only grown into something more each day. And like I said in my other posts: I thought this feeling of love would disappear and faint on the edges like an old picture, but it never has.
As for my mom.... Well I've always had a broken relationship with her since I was a child. She's always hated my very existence and I've always hated her - I guess we're even like that. There's no saving this relationship anymore because it died so long ago. There's no point trying anymore.