Life is complicated, don't you think? We have to constantly build new routines in our life as we transition into the different stages of life (childhood, adolescence, adulthood, senior hood).
In my life, the life stages are challenges, but they aren't that complicated. So what is? - Love.
Mildly put, my life is pretty complicated when it comes to love.
In my life, the life stages are challenges, but they aren't that complicated. So what is? - Love.
Mildly put, my life is pretty complicated when it comes to love.
Remember that story about Helen and Leo? That is, without a doubt, an example of "complicated relationships".
We get into these relationships with people and make all these promises that we think we can keep. But then life does a flip on us and then we crash into this darkness. The great times start to turn sour, moments are tarnished because there are other things on our mind. We start to wonder if this is really love, if this is the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with, even if we're only teenagers. But isn't this where love starts?
We get into these relationships with people and make all these promises that we think we can keep. But then life does a flip on us and then we crash into this darkness. The great times start to turn sour, moments are tarnished because there are other things on our mind. We start to wonder if this is really love, if this is the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with, even if we're only teenagers. But isn't this where love starts?
Every "I love you", every promise, every kiss only lasts for a mere second, but the memories never disappear - they only linger at the center of our minds waiting to be unleashed into our cold empty hearts.
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It's the way his lips fit into mine so perfectly, how every inch of my body shivers with excitement when I see his face. The way his fingers intertwined with mine - his warm, mine cold. And definitely the way his arms wrapped around my body, holding me close and letting me know that he loved me forever.
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I'm afraid I will never find love in the truest form. Or maybe I'm just afraid that I've found it already. That the love I get now will evaporate into nothingness at the most inconvenient time.
I can't trust anyone completely, even if I love them with all my heart, because I'm afraid to get hurt. I don't want to feel vulnerable, even if that is exactly what people in love are supposed to feel.
We're supposed to feel vulnerable in all relationships because we know, in our hearts, that the person we love has the power to hurt us, just as we have the power to hurt them. We hold power in our hands without even knowing it.
There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. But even if it existed, there will be a flaw that makes it imperfect. It will reveal its imperfections in the purest forms, where chaos is unleashed in its most dangerous form.
I can't trust anyone completely, even if I love them with all my heart, because I'm afraid to get hurt. I don't want to feel vulnerable, even if that is exactly what people in love are supposed to feel.
We're supposed to feel vulnerable in all relationships because we know, in our hearts, that the person we love has the power to hurt us, just as we have the power to hurt them. We hold power in our hands without even knowing it.
There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. But even if it existed, there will be a flaw that makes it imperfect. It will reveal its imperfections in the purest forms, where chaos is unleashed in its most dangerous form.
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After the breakup, I haven't stopped thinking about him, or more specifically, us. The memories of our relationship are stuck in my mind. They're attached to the objects in my room, the grass and the trees outside, the tunes of a song, the hair ties on my wrist. Everything reminds me of him.
And then I wonder: what happened to us? How did we end up like this, two people who love each other, but can't be together? Where did the love go?
And most importantly, when was love not enough for him?
And then I wonder: what happened to us? How did we end up like this, two people who love each other, but can't be together? Where did the love go?
And most importantly, when was love not enough for him?
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Relationships are full of risks. After all, it wouldn't be a relationship if there weren't any risks right? In love, you have to risk your heart being broken, regardless of the whatever relationship it is - family, love, friends.
I tried to take as many risks as possible, but there were limits. I can't just leave the house and do whatever I want. I can't just abandon my responsibilities - piano, school, family - to do something that I want to do. I can't be so selfish.
There are, however, a million things I wish I would've done.
I wish that I didn't fight with him so much. I wish I didn't judge him so much - he didn't deserve it. We all have our differences and in a relationship, we should accept each other fully. But one thing I regret most about is that I didn't fight hard enough for our relationship. When he ended things, I tried to fight for us. But he sounded so defeated, so helpless, that I just gave up. I lay down my weapons because I, too, felt so defeated and let him do what he wanted - to get away from me.
I tried to take as many risks as possible, but there were limits. I can't just leave the house and do whatever I want. I can't just abandon my responsibilities - piano, school, family - to do something that I want to do. I can't be so selfish.
There are, however, a million things I wish I would've done.
I wish that I didn't fight with him so much. I wish I didn't judge him so much - he didn't deserve it. We all have our differences and in a relationship, we should accept each other fully. But one thing I regret most about is that I didn't fight hard enough for our relationship. When he ended things, I tried to fight for us. But he sounded so defeated, so helpless, that I just gave up. I lay down my weapons because I, too, felt so defeated and let him do what he wanted - to get away from me.
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But apart of me wanted to rebel against my family. Even today, I still want to do whatever I want to do without the necessary approval from my family.
wanted to go out with my boyfriend on weekdays, not only once every few months.
I wanted to spend so much time with him without having to sneak around and lie to my family about it. I wanted to share stories about our dates with my family, with my mom. I wanted a family that could support me throughout it all, and accept the fact that I'm growing up - that I'm not their little girl anymore.
I think about the countless times my friends and ex telling me that I need to stand up for more freedom. It's funny because I do try my best. But in every family (and every institution), there are rules that we have to follow and boundaries we must be within. If you cross the line, you're out.
wanted to go out with my boyfriend on weekdays, not only once every few months.
I wanted to spend so much time with him without having to sneak around and lie to my family about it. I wanted to share stories about our dates with my family, with my mom. I wanted a family that could support me throughout it all, and accept the fact that I'm growing up - that I'm not their little girl anymore.
I think about the countless times my friends and ex telling me that I need to stand up for more freedom. It's funny because I do try my best. But in every family (and every institution), there are rules that we have to follow and boundaries we must be within. If you cross the line, you're out.
So, what do I want?
I want to be with him again. I want to spend every single day with him without the burden I get from my family. I want to see his face and hear his voice everyday, hold his hands and tell him I love him. I want to hangout with him more often, a lot more than every few months. I want to see him during the summer, as much as possible, before we head to school in September. I want my family to be more accepting of me (and him, too). I want the freedom to make my own decision, but with their support.
And most of all, I want him to bring me back into his life.
But for these things to be possible, 2 things must happen - 1) my family has to accept him as my boyfriend and that I'm old enough to make my own decisions, and 2) I want him to choose me no matter what happens.
I want to be with him again. I want to spend every single day with him without the burden I get from my family. I want to see his face and hear his voice everyday, hold his hands and tell him I love him. I want to hangout with him more often, a lot more than every few months. I want to see him during the summer, as much as possible, before we head to school in September. I want my family to be more accepting of me (and him, too). I want the freedom to make my own decision, but with their support.
And most of all, I want him to bring me back into his life.
But for these things to be possible, 2 things must happen - 1) my family has to accept him as my boyfriend and that I'm old enough to make my own decisions, and 2) I want him to choose me no matter what happens.
One of the hardest part about the whole breakup thing was that I tried being friends with him. When we were dating, we made an important promise to each other: we promised to support each other as friends if we ever broke up in the future. But now, it seems like the impossible.
I know it's been tough for him, the feeling of loneliness, pain and heartache. I also know that being friends is such a difficult thing for people to do, especially after a relationship like ours where our hearts collided and almost inseparable..almost.
I know that being friends with your ex is a difficult thing. But for me, I would accept this friendship as the closest I can be to him. I want to support him during his ups and downs, to be his shoulder to cry on and be someone he can count on.
But I know this is a fantasy that only happens in the movies - two ex lovers being friends - and is almost impossible in the world today. There are so many complications with being friends and the boundaries we have to set for one another.
To see each other as friends and not being able to hold each other is hard. Or that we can't even laugh without feeling pain in our hearts.
I keep wishing that things will go back to the way it was, but I know that it won't. There are things that are supposed to happen. It's funny how I used to believe that everything happens for a reason. But now, I'm not sure anymore. Because everything that's been happening to me has been pointless and unnecessary. How are all these tragic events going to influence my future life? It won't - or at least that's what I choose to believe.
So now I'm left with this hole in my stomach and a stone cold heart, where nothing matters anymore but him.
But that's life so this is how it is. What can you do?
How do you tell someone to love you the way you love them, and ask them to come back into your life when you know it'll only end in tears and heartache?
But that's life so this is how it is. What can you do?
How do you tell someone to love you the way you love them, and ask them to come back into your life when you know it'll only end in tears and heartache?
I can't say "it's okay" because it's not. I don't think I'll ever feel okay again, and don't even get me started on feeling "good."
I still wish for him - for us - and I never stopped.
I still wish for him - for us - and I never stopped.
Many people have left me before, so this isn't a first. But man, when the love of your life leaves, your whole world falls apart. You start to question everything about your life.
But maybe this is how it's supposed to be - that we question everything until there's nothing left.
But maybe this is how it's supposed to be - that we question everything until there's nothing left.