Lying here in the comfort and safety of my bed, I think about that night. That night, where I decided to allow you, that darkness, consume me as a whole. Taking more than my soul, but also my body.
And now you decide to message me out of the blue, to "hangout" and what? The "how are yous" are so old, so fake, so in-genuine. Besides, how would I answer such a question?
How?
Do I start with the reasons I had to stay away, or do I explain why I was in the hospital? But then I wouldn't be explaining, really, more like telling a story where you, Darkness, and I were trapped in this eternal cycle as if one could not live without the other. Where the light cannot exist because then how do I exist?
You keep coming back with the same act, and my shield won't last any longer. The threads will eventually loosen, fraying at the ends like the way our relationship frayed so quickly – when intimacy evolved to physicality. And soon, I became this next-best-thing, the backup plan, that old photo album sitting on your top shelf waiting to be opened every year or so; waiting to be just looked at, then thrown back into the same place collecting dust again.
That same strain between two choices, between one risky decision that could be equivalent of jumping into a deep hole and clinging to what little thread I still have left of. It seems foolish, doesn't it, to even consider doing the same? Only this time, it would've been my fault. But I'm only human, and curiosity itself lives and breathes in the depths of our minds. It feeds on "knowing" things, feeds on the knowledge and information we offer.
I didn't overcome or "beat" curiosity; I put it aside. I put myself first, for once. It's hard, but I still do it. I have to. Nobody can do that for me, not even my friends, or my family. I have the be the one to break the cycle of infatuation, torture, loneliness, hollowness. I have to be the one to stand up and know when to listen to my judgement, instead of listening to my heart. Maybe someday, this will all pay off.
And now you decide to message me out of the blue, to "hangout" and what? The "how are yous" are so old, so fake, so in-genuine. Besides, how would I answer such a question?
How?
Do I start with the reasons I had to stay away, or do I explain why I was in the hospital? But then I wouldn't be explaining, really, more like telling a story where you, Darkness, and I were trapped in this eternal cycle as if one could not live without the other. Where the light cannot exist because then how do I exist?
You keep coming back with the same act, and my shield won't last any longer. The threads will eventually loosen, fraying at the ends like the way our relationship frayed so quickly – when intimacy evolved to physicality. And soon, I became this next-best-thing, the backup plan, that old photo album sitting on your top shelf waiting to be opened every year or so; waiting to be just looked at, then thrown back into the same place collecting dust again.
That same strain between two choices, between one risky decision that could be equivalent of jumping into a deep hole and clinging to what little thread I still have left of. It seems foolish, doesn't it, to even consider doing the same? Only this time, it would've been my fault. But I'm only human, and curiosity itself lives and breathes in the depths of our minds. It feeds on "knowing" things, feeds on the knowledge and information we offer.
I didn't overcome or "beat" curiosity; I put it aside. I put myself first, for once. It's hard, but I still do it. I have to. Nobody can do that for me, not even my friends, or my family. I have the be the one to break the cycle of infatuation, torture, loneliness, hollowness. I have to be the one to stand up and know when to listen to my judgement, instead of listening to my heart. Maybe someday, this will all pay off.