I’m not exactly sure where to start.
He’s different. I’ve said that line probably only once, about my ex, and I was wrong. I could be wrong this time, too, but who knows? It’s too soon to tell.
So far, it’s been an amazing week for me. I know that most relationships start out this way – first it starts with the honeymoon period, then the fights about not spending enough time, or not making enough sacrifices for one another come into play. But whatever the story books say, life is so different. Fights will happen in almost every relationship. There will be disagreements, misunderstandings, and many, many hardships.
We went on an official date on Tuesday. It was nice – we went to the movies (we watched “Hidden Figures”). At first, I got really nervous about the day. I wanted to impress him or something, but I couldn’t find things to talk about. Plus, I’m socially awkward sometimes. I find it hard to make conversation, especially when you talk the same person every single day already.
We bought our tickets (it was half-price Tuesday), and walked to theatre 23 walking hand-in-hand. Oh, right, I forgot to tell you – I dropped off a coffee for him in the morning, and picked him up after class. Standing on the escalator, we talked and he finally made the move he had been talking about for a couple of days: he touched my hand, and our fingers intertwined so naturally, as if we’d been doing it for years.
Back to the movie theater. We got our seats half an hour earlier, so we sat and continued to talk. He didn’t make any moves on me – it was just conversation. We never talked about one specific thing; sometimes it’d be about music, school, life. Whichever the case, he always had something for us to talk about. The awkward gaps of silence never lingered in the air for more than a minute – he was good like that. When the movie started, we held hands and watched. At one point in the movie, he put his arm around my waist and planted a kiss on the top of my head. I know what you’re thinking: it’s too soon, there shouldn’t be any physical contact during the first date. But I’m telling you now, it’s not really a first date. We’ve been talking nonstop for so many weeks now, and we’ve gone out on a couple “dates” too. We enjoy each other’s company.
After the movie, we walked hand-in-hand to the train station. My hands are always cold, regardless of the weather outside. So he wrapped his warm, toasty hands around mine. Not much happened during this date – at least nothing that was major. It was just a movie, not some walk-in-the-park. But I’ll admit, it was the best date I’d ever had.
For the millionth time in the past month, he asked me.
“So we’re dating now?”
“I’m not sure, man, like it’s so complicated on my end. Not even just about my family – it’s like what happened with my ex really fucked me up.”
“Yo, I know that already. I get that he ruined parts of you, parts that you’ll never get back. But what is there stopping you from being with another person? Like if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. I don’t do drama, you know that.”
“It’s not to do with drama, man, like it’s been a difficult year. I’ve changed a lot, in good and bad ways. I don’t know how to be with another person, I don’t even know how I can separate those feelings of sadness from the ones of happiness when I’m talking to you every day. I just know that I like you a lot.”
“Okay, so we’ll work on it together. I mean, you had a good day, right?”
“It was an amazing day, actually.”
“That’s good. I’ll give you more good days.”
“C’mon man.”
“No, I’m serious. Just hear me out, okay?”
“Sigh, okay.”
“I’ll make you happy. I already know it. Hell, I know you’ve been smiling more in the past few weeks than you have last year. I also know you’re hurting inside, and that you have your good and bad days.”
“Yeah.”
“But if you’re with me, it’ll be different. I’m not the typical guys you like – you know that. I’ll take care of you. And if you’re worried that these feelings of nostalgia will make me feel sad or whatever? Well you’re wrong. We all have our days when we think of the people from our past, especially when it comes to our exes. So just remember that I’m always here for you, even if we don’t end up dating. To me, relationships should never be conditional. Love is not conditional.”
“I don’t know if I can be with someone when I’m not completely over my ex yet.”
“And that’s okay. I want to be with you, Eleanor, and nobody else. You make me feel different too, you make me better. And you can always talk to me whenever you’re happy, sad, mad – anything. Don’t not tell me because you feel bad.”
“I don’t want to hurt anyone. What we have now is so good already.”
“Yeah, but I know you want more than this. I can feel it, Eleanor.”
“Yeah.”
“So, will you give me a chance to prove you wrong?”
“Okay, yeah. Let’s give it a shot.”
“Good, I’m glad you said that.”
He understood what I was going through. Some like to say it’s a “phase” of unhappiness and that the depression’s blinding me from the good things in life, but they’re wrong. The breakup ruined me in so many ways, and each day that passes by makes it even harder to survive.
Actually, we talked about this stuff a lot – relationships and our past. We talk about it not because we want to bother the other person with our past, but because we want the other person to understand what we’ve gone through. We accepted that the past was still part of us, no matter how successful we become, or how happy we get.
The other day, my family sat me down and gave me a lecture about my “attitude”. Anything I said, they didn’t hear. It went in one ear, and out the other. I wanted them to understand that school was stressing me out, and that I was always working on my bad temper, but they didn’t notice. This conversation was rather long, especially since I’d had such a tiring day already, and I got pissed. I wasn’t happy that couldn’t see me trying. He could tell I wasn’t in a good mood when we were messaging on the Internet, and asked me about it. Long story short, I called him (since he insisted I would feel better).
I felt so much better.
He’s different. I’ve said that line probably only once, about my ex, and I was wrong. I could be wrong this time, too, but who knows? It’s too soon to tell.
So far, it’s been an amazing week for me. I know that most relationships start out this way – first it starts with the honeymoon period, then the fights about not spending enough time, or not making enough sacrifices for one another come into play. But whatever the story books say, life is so different. Fights will happen in almost every relationship. There will be disagreements, misunderstandings, and many, many hardships.
We went on an official date on Tuesday. It was nice – we went to the movies (we watched “Hidden Figures”). At first, I got really nervous about the day. I wanted to impress him or something, but I couldn’t find things to talk about. Plus, I’m socially awkward sometimes. I find it hard to make conversation, especially when you talk the same person every single day already.
We bought our tickets (it was half-price Tuesday), and walked to theatre 23 walking hand-in-hand. Oh, right, I forgot to tell you – I dropped off a coffee for him in the morning, and picked him up after class. Standing on the escalator, we talked and he finally made the move he had been talking about for a couple of days: he touched my hand, and our fingers intertwined so naturally, as if we’d been doing it for years.
Back to the movie theater. We got our seats half an hour earlier, so we sat and continued to talk. He didn’t make any moves on me – it was just conversation. We never talked about one specific thing; sometimes it’d be about music, school, life. Whichever the case, he always had something for us to talk about. The awkward gaps of silence never lingered in the air for more than a minute – he was good like that. When the movie started, we held hands and watched. At one point in the movie, he put his arm around my waist and planted a kiss on the top of my head. I know what you’re thinking: it’s too soon, there shouldn’t be any physical contact during the first date. But I’m telling you now, it’s not really a first date. We’ve been talking nonstop for so many weeks now, and we’ve gone out on a couple “dates” too. We enjoy each other’s company.
After the movie, we walked hand-in-hand to the train station. My hands are always cold, regardless of the weather outside. So he wrapped his warm, toasty hands around mine. Not much happened during this date – at least nothing that was major. It was just a movie, not some walk-in-the-park. But I’ll admit, it was the best date I’d ever had.
For the millionth time in the past month, he asked me.
“So we’re dating now?”
“I’m not sure, man, like it’s so complicated on my end. Not even just about my family – it’s like what happened with my ex really fucked me up.”
“Yo, I know that already. I get that he ruined parts of you, parts that you’ll never get back. But what is there stopping you from being with another person? Like if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. I don’t do drama, you know that.”
“It’s not to do with drama, man, like it’s been a difficult year. I’ve changed a lot, in good and bad ways. I don’t know how to be with another person, I don’t even know how I can separate those feelings of sadness from the ones of happiness when I’m talking to you every day. I just know that I like you a lot.”
“Okay, so we’ll work on it together. I mean, you had a good day, right?”
“It was an amazing day, actually.”
“That’s good. I’ll give you more good days.”
“C’mon man.”
“No, I’m serious. Just hear me out, okay?”
“Sigh, okay.”
“I’ll make you happy. I already know it. Hell, I know you’ve been smiling more in the past few weeks than you have last year. I also know you’re hurting inside, and that you have your good and bad days.”
“Yeah.”
“But if you’re with me, it’ll be different. I’m not the typical guys you like – you know that. I’ll take care of you. And if you’re worried that these feelings of nostalgia will make me feel sad or whatever? Well you’re wrong. We all have our days when we think of the people from our past, especially when it comes to our exes. So just remember that I’m always here for you, even if we don’t end up dating. To me, relationships should never be conditional. Love is not conditional.”
“I don’t know if I can be with someone when I’m not completely over my ex yet.”
“And that’s okay. I want to be with you, Eleanor, and nobody else. You make me feel different too, you make me better. And you can always talk to me whenever you’re happy, sad, mad – anything. Don’t not tell me because you feel bad.”
“I don’t want to hurt anyone. What we have now is so good already.”
“Yeah, but I know you want more than this. I can feel it, Eleanor.”
“Yeah.”
“So, will you give me a chance to prove you wrong?”
“Okay, yeah. Let’s give it a shot.”
“Good, I’m glad you said that.”
He understood what I was going through. Some like to say it’s a “phase” of unhappiness and that the depression’s blinding me from the good things in life, but they’re wrong. The breakup ruined me in so many ways, and each day that passes by makes it even harder to survive.
Actually, we talked about this stuff a lot – relationships and our past. We talk about it not because we want to bother the other person with our past, but because we want the other person to understand what we’ve gone through. We accepted that the past was still part of us, no matter how successful we become, or how happy we get.
The other day, my family sat me down and gave me a lecture about my “attitude”. Anything I said, they didn’t hear. It went in one ear, and out the other. I wanted them to understand that school was stressing me out, and that I was always working on my bad temper, but they didn’t notice. This conversation was rather long, especially since I’d had such a tiring day already, and I got pissed. I wasn’t happy that couldn’t see me trying. He could tell I wasn’t in a good mood when we were messaging on the Internet, and asked me about it. Long story short, I called him (since he insisted I would feel better).
I felt so much better.