I'm someone who's bad at letting things go - and yes, I hold grudges.
I hold grudges against certain family members, certain friends, certain exes. I think it's just easier to hold a grudge, rather than to let go, to forgive.
Forgiveness is hard; it's something that needs to be developed over a long period of time, something that needs to be believed in. You can't just tell yourself, "I want to forgive this person, so it's going to happen." It doesn't work that way - it's so much harder than that.
Sometimes, forgiveness can mean weakness. It can mean that you've given up. It can also mean that what they did to you was okay.
But I've also learned that it can mean you're ready to move on in life, that you're ready to meet the next challenge.
It's not easy. I haven't forgiven many people in my life, particularly because there are people who I truly believe do not deserve it. There are people who have broken us, who have left us high and dry, who have degraded us until we are nothing.
I want to forgive; part of me wants to let the past go. But I can't. I drag the past with me everywhere I go. It's part of me now. I try to forgive and believe it or not, I have forgive people before. I'm working on it.
I'm working on forgiving my mom for not being there for us when we needed her.
I forgave my brother for making me cover his shift while he went on a retreat with his friends for 3 days.
I forgave my ex for not being able to commit, for not being able to be honest about his inability to handle a relationship.
If I try and if I have good reasons to, I can forgive other people. I can forgive them for leaving deep scars in me, scars that tell stories. If I really put my mind to it, I could even forgive Liam for leaving me when I needed him most, when I was at such a bad place in life; if I gave in to my temptations, I would allow myself to try again, even though I know we wouldn't have anything real.
The only person I can't forgive is myself. For the mistakes I made, the choices I made, the people I veered towards, the places I went to, the things I did.
I hold grudges against certain family members, certain friends, certain exes. I think it's just easier to hold a grudge, rather than to let go, to forgive.
Forgiveness is hard; it's something that needs to be developed over a long period of time, something that needs to be believed in. You can't just tell yourself, "I want to forgive this person, so it's going to happen." It doesn't work that way - it's so much harder than that.
Sometimes, forgiveness can mean weakness. It can mean that you've given up. It can also mean that what they did to you was okay.
But I've also learned that it can mean you're ready to move on in life, that you're ready to meet the next challenge.
It's not easy. I haven't forgiven many people in my life, particularly because there are people who I truly believe do not deserve it. There are people who have broken us, who have left us high and dry, who have degraded us until we are nothing.
I want to forgive; part of me wants to let the past go. But I can't. I drag the past with me everywhere I go. It's part of me now. I try to forgive and believe it or not, I have forgive people before. I'm working on it.
I'm working on forgiving my mom for not being there for us when we needed her.
I forgave my brother for making me cover his shift while he went on a retreat with his friends for 3 days.
I forgave my ex for not being able to commit, for not being able to be honest about his inability to handle a relationship.
If I try and if I have good reasons to, I can forgive other people. I can forgive them for leaving deep scars in me, scars that tell stories. If I really put my mind to it, I could even forgive Liam for leaving me when I needed him most, when I was at such a bad place in life; if I gave in to my temptations, I would allow myself to try again, even though I know we wouldn't have anything real.
The only person I can't forgive is myself. For the mistakes I made, the choices I made, the people I veered towards, the places I went to, the things I did.