It's only been two weeks of school, but I started off with this huge, positive perspective to work hard, focus on my studies, meet new people, try new things. I wanted this school year to not be about getting over old exes. I wanted this year to be good.
But already, it's giving me a whole new perspective - it's showing me that within these 2 weeks, I've been unproductive, unfocused, and unmotivated. There are other things on my mind, people, to be specific.
Yesterday, my conversation with Liam left me with a feeling of loss. It's not the type of loss that you lost someone you loved; it's like a feeling that you're empty inside because someone who used to be close to you walked back into your life asking for another chance - and then the old wounds became fresh wounds, you can remember every detail, the good and bad.
I asked myself, "what do I want?"
I couldn't answer it.
You see, I also started off this semester with a person in mind. My ex was still on my mind, even after so many months. He was a good man, someone who could understand me and was ready for commitment; we had serious conversations about life, careers, marriage, family. He asked me for the moon and more, so I gave it to him. He asked me to do things that were related to his religious beliefs, and surprisingly, I was able to commit to those things. I hesitated at first, thought about it, and agreed. I didn't want this to be something that would become a space between us - I wanted to be able to commit to someone who was worth my time, energy, love. But then he started to ask me to change a different part of me, and I didn't like it. He wanted me to change my appearance, to look like less of a tomboy, and to look like I stepped out of a woman's fashion magazine. He started telling me things like, "get rid of those pimples" and "why don't you braid your hair?". He started asking me to dress differently, which meant I would have to give up my favorite running shorts. So, whenever I saw him, I would wear something a little different - I would start braiding my hair a little more often, or curl it the night before; I would wear leggings instead of those amazing shorts, I would wear heeled boots instead of running shoes.
My uni friends, the close ones, straight up told me that I was changing for the wrong reasons; these friends were my boys - people I could call at 4am and rant about life issues. So when my boys noticed me wearing different clothes, and not wearing my favorite shorts, they started voicing their concerns.
Like I said before, my ex was a good man. He had a good heart, a great personality, and genuinely cared about me. If he saw me procrastinating, he'd tell me to focus. If he knew I had a test the next day, he'd tell me to sleep earlier (we usually had late-night phone calls until 5am). But as great as he was, it became hard for me to date someone who couldn't accept the way I dressed or looked. Our relationship didn't end because of these issues - it ended because he was no longer able to commit to us.
So when he randomly messaged me a week ago, I was excited. I was hoping that he'd smarten up, that he'd realize my commitment was unlike other people out there. It was stupid of me, really, to hope that he'd come back because our conversation ended up being a 5 minute talk about school and our jobs.
To answer my question before: I want someone who'll stick around for the long run. I want someone who can be okay with my obsession of taking daily naps, who can be okay with not hanging out every week. I want someone who can respect me for the person that I am, someone who can pick me up when I'm down in the deep with depression.
I'm starting to believe that a person so amazing just doesn't exist.
But already, it's giving me a whole new perspective - it's showing me that within these 2 weeks, I've been unproductive, unfocused, and unmotivated. There are other things on my mind, people, to be specific.
Yesterday, my conversation with Liam left me with a feeling of loss. It's not the type of loss that you lost someone you loved; it's like a feeling that you're empty inside because someone who used to be close to you walked back into your life asking for another chance - and then the old wounds became fresh wounds, you can remember every detail, the good and bad.
I asked myself, "what do I want?"
I couldn't answer it.
You see, I also started off this semester with a person in mind. My ex was still on my mind, even after so many months. He was a good man, someone who could understand me and was ready for commitment; we had serious conversations about life, careers, marriage, family. He asked me for the moon and more, so I gave it to him. He asked me to do things that were related to his religious beliefs, and surprisingly, I was able to commit to those things. I hesitated at first, thought about it, and agreed. I didn't want this to be something that would become a space between us - I wanted to be able to commit to someone who was worth my time, energy, love. But then he started to ask me to change a different part of me, and I didn't like it. He wanted me to change my appearance, to look like less of a tomboy, and to look like I stepped out of a woman's fashion magazine. He started telling me things like, "get rid of those pimples" and "why don't you braid your hair?". He started asking me to dress differently, which meant I would have to give up my favorite running shorts. So, whenever I saw him, I would wear something a little different - I would start braiding my hair a little more often, or curl it the night before; I would wear leggings instead of those amazing shorts, I would wear heeled boots instead of running shoes.
My uni friends, the close ones, straight up told me that I was changing for the wrong reasons; these friends were my boys - people I could call at 4am and rant about life issues. So when my boys noticed me wearing different clothes, and not wearing my favorite shorts, they started voicing their concerns.
Like I said before, my ex was a good man. He had a good heart, a great personality, and genuinely cared about me. If he saw me procrastinating, he'd tell me to focus. If he knew I had a test the next day, he'd tell me to sleep earlier (we usually had late-night phone calls until 5am). But as great as he was, it became hard for me to date someone who couldn't accept the way I dressed or looked. Our relationship didn't end because of these issues - it ended because he was no longer able to commit to us.
So when he randomly messaged me a week ago, I was excited. I was hoping that he'd smarten up, that he'd realize my commitment was unlike other people out there. It was stupid of me, really, to hope that he'd come back because our conversation ended up being a 5 minute talk about school and our jobs.
To answer my question before: I want someone who'll stick around for the long run. I want someone who can be okay with my obsession of taking daily naps, who can be okay with not hanging out every week. I want someone who can respect me for the person that I am, someone who can pick me up when I'm down in the deep with depression.
I'm starting to believe that a person so amazing just doesn't exist.