I'm writing another post today because I just need to write this stuff down.
These past two weeks have been especially horrible for me. In two weeks, I lost a close friend, lost the motivation to go to classes, veered away from my friends and family, and had two exes message me (for different reasons), leaving me with a great sense of loss.
I had an ex get in touch with me today - Liam. It was my fault, really, because I was the one who accepted the message request. He tried to be friendly, asking about how I was these days, but I was rude to him. I lashed out every chance I could. I don't know why, but I regretted it afterwards, probably because he got the message and left me alone.
Part of me was angry. Angry at him for hurting me, for saying those hurtful things that night with his friends, humiliating me in front of them, coming in and out of my life. I hated those things, it made me so bitter, like I could remember every detail without even trying. So I lashed out and wanted him to stop talking to me because I knew he would probably lure me back into his arms.
The other part of me was like, "Eleanor, calm down, just try to be friendly and have a normal conversation without fighting." For a couple seconds, I listened to my brain.
But then a rush of bitterness flooded my mind, and well, you know how that turned out. He said, "I miss you." We were talking about school and jobs, and he just drops the bomb with "I miss you." I was like, "shit." I knew he would mention it, that he messaged me to tell me that. He said he still cared about me, but I don't believe it. I want to believe it, but I can't.
Let me get this straight: I wanted us to stay friends. I always have. A part of me knows that he was my best friend. He stood up for me when no one else had the guts to. He protected me, supported me, and at one point, loved me.
My friends think that I made the right choice in being rude/sassy. They hate the things he did for me, and believe he can never be a true friend to me again. But, for some reason, I feel this huge sense of loss when he sent that final message, essentially saying, "I get the message, you want me to go away and leave you alone, so I'll do just that."
I wanted him to leave me alone, but at the same time I didn't.
I don't know how to feel about this situation. I feel a thousand different feelings right now. I regret being so rude. I'm angry I accepted the request. I'm angry that I thought he'd want to become friends. I'm sad that we no longer have the change to become friends because I was so dumb and rude. I'm sad I lost a friend. I'm disappointed in myself for overreacting, and not giving him a chance to just have a nice, normal conversation.
These past two weeks have been especially horrible for me. In two weeks, I lost a close friend, lost the motivation to go to classes, veered away from my friends and family, and had two exes message me (for different reasons), leaving me with a great sense of loss.
I had an ex get in touch with me today - Liam. It was my fault, really, because I was the one who accepted the message request. He tried to be friendly, asking about how I was these days, but I was rude to him. I lashed out every chance I could. I don't know why, but I regretted it afterwards, probably because he got the message and left me alone.
Part of me was angry. Angry at him for hurting me, for saying those hurtful things that night with his friends, humiliating me in front of them, coming in and out of my life. I hated those things, it made me so bitter, like I could remember every detail without even trying. So I lashed out and wanted him to stop talking to me because I knew he would probably lure me back into his arms.
The other part of me was like, "Eleanor, calm down, just try to be friendly and have a normal conversation without fighting." For a couple seconds, I listened to my brain.
But then a rush of bitterness flooded my mind, and well, you know how that turned out. He said, "I miss you." We were talking about school and jobs, and he just drops the bomb with "I miss you." I was like, "shit." I knew he would mention it, that he messaged me to tell me that. He said he still cared about me, but I don't believe it. I want to believe it, but I can't.
Let me get this straight: I wanted us to stay friends. I always have. A part of me knows that he was my best friend. He stood up for me when no one else had the guts to. He protected me, supported me, and at one point, loved me.
My friends think that I made the right choice in being rude/sassy. They hate the things he did for me, and believe he can never be a true friend to me again. But, for some reason, I feel this huge sense of loss when he sent that final message, essentially saying, "I get the message, you want me to go away and leave you alone, so I'll do just that."
I wanted him to leave me alone, but at the same time I didn't.
I don't know how to feel about this situation. I feel a thousand different feelings right now. I regret being so rude. I'm angry I accepted the request. I'm angry that I thought he'd want to become friends. I'm sad that we no longer have the change to become friends because I was so dumb and rude. I'm sad I lost a friend. I'm disappointed in myself for overreacting, and not giving him a chance to just have a nice, normal conversation.